Should I Leave My Church?

and

How To Find A Good Church

If you or anyone you know is somewhere in this process, please send them a link to this post, or to the pages linked above.  Many of the links in these articles were helpful to me and I want to share them with others.

I have prayed that these articles might be helpful to Christian brothers and sisters who are searching for their place in the body of Christ.

55 weeks ago, I attended worship at my previous church for the last time. Almost a year from that day, I was accepted for membership at Harvest Presbyterian Church in Medina, Ohio. This coming Sunday, God willing, I will publically join with my new church family. My journey has been eventful and blessed, even though the road I traveled had its low and bumpy places. All thanks be to God for guiding me in the way He determined.

The church you’ve decided to join isn’t as perfect as it seems and it will become even less perfect after you join. (I know. Ha ha.) Sure, the sermons are a rich blessing of exegesis, the music is uplifting, Bible study is meaty and you even like the curtains in the hallway. The people you meet are friendly and interested in you and your family. But (you saw that word coming, didn’t you?) be realistic, you’re still on your honeymoon. You don’t know anybody well enough to have a disagreement yet.

It is important to enjoy and delight in this time in your new church. Revel in the Christian love and togetherness you have as members of the body of Christ and don’t forget this wonderful feeling. The happy beginnings of fellowship among your new friends will help carry you through times of difficulty and disagreement, if such times should come.

It really is somewhat analogous to marriage. In the beginning everything is peaches and cream, but after a while reality sets in and you realize your “peach” isn’t always soft and sweet. In fact, that peach can be kind of bitter and hard sometimes. If you really love each other though, you’ll find a way to work things out.

The future ahead of you now will be interesting, exciting, joyful and rewarding. Grow in Christian love for one another, remember to assume the best about everybody; be charitable in your relations with those you find scratchy. Friction can be overcome by a generous dollop of the gospel of peace. Count others as more worthy than yourself. Submit yourselves willingly to the leadership of the church even as they humbly serve you and your family. (1 Thess. 3:12, Prov. 15:1, Eph. 6:15, Phil. 2:3, 1 Pet. 5:5)

Leave your baggage at the door

This is my greatest struggle. I have more than 30 years of “luggage” from my old church and sometimes I still tote around a couple of small bags; sore spots that occasionally get bumped. I’m sensitive to people ‘marking their territory’ and to applause during worship that isn’t clearly directed at God. Thankfully, I think the days are over for me having to hear secular humanism preached from the pulpit and seeing tradition held in higher regard than scripture. Thanks be to God for that!

You may find that God gives you unexpected joy through your new church family in surprising places. For me, attending men’s bible study (even when there are only five or six of us) is vastly superior to having no bible study at all. You may find that struggling to keep a small gospel outreach going is better than having the elders tell you that it’s not important and you should just forget about it.

Keep yourself open to new ideas and activities. Praise God for every chance to grow closer to your brothers and sisters in Christ. Get to know some of the widows who always sit together on that one side near the aisle, and befriend a family with young children. Remember, you’ll be spending eternity with these people. Don’t limit yourself to those you are naturally comfortable with.

Going Back

In some rare cases, you might find yourself in a situation where you decide to return to the church you left.

If you left for biblical reasons, this may not be wise; unless there have been major changes while you were away. For instance, a friend of mine left his church because the pastor was preaching heresy and the leadership refused to challenge him. After my friend left, the pastor quit and they hired somebody new. When my friend returned to his church, the main problem he had was gone.

If you left for non-biblical reasons or over secondary issues only, you’re going to need to go back with your hat in your hand. You’ve effectively betrayed a solemn oath to be a part of the body of the church. This is cause for repentance. Start with your pastor or a trusted elder and explain to him the journey you’ve been on and why you wish to return. Be sure to apologize for any hurt you may have caused.

I still feel drawn to go back to my old church and try to fix what was broken there. I still have affection for the people I left and it saddens me that many of them remain lost in antinomianism and legalism. I pray for my old church weekly, but still feel like I should have done more before I left. It’s a sorrow to which I’ve become accustomed. Like the loss of a parent, the sadness never goes away, but you get used to it as time passes.

I’m no longer a homeless Christian. Praise God!

Like the Highlander franchise, this series has gone on longer than originally planned. Part seven (!) with one to go. Here are parts one, two, three, four, five and six.

One of the best ways to get to know a church is to take a membership class if one is offered. One of my ‘finalist’ churches offers what is called an inquirers class that is a prerequisite for membership, but is open to anyone who desires to know more about church doctrine, polity, etc. (A church that offers a class like this is usually one that is serious about Discipline/Discipleship). If one is not offered, ask an elder or the pastor out for coffee or a meal to get acquainted and talk about the church.

Some readers may find it amusing to know that my two finalists were a Baptist Church and a Presbyterian (PCA) Church. A Brethren Church was a distant third place; in their case, the musical style, personal connection and size were factors against, but the preaching was fantastic. On essential Christian doctrine, all these churches qualified, though they differ greatly on secondary issues.

Here is an ironic twist: Remember some of the bad reasons I listed for leaving a church?  Some of these bad reasons might be good reasons to not choose a particular church as your new home. In other words, why go looking for problems? If you left a church because it has grown too large (not a good reason to leave), then you should probably eliminate large-ish churches from your list of possibilities. It’s a bad reason to leave a church because you don’t like the music half the time; but if you don’t like half the music at a prospective church, it might be a good reason to not join it.

Time to get serious

Hopefully, you’ll now be at a point to decide on a church and the right choice will be clear. Again, praise God if this is true for you. If you’re not yet at this point, it’s time to get serious and make a decision.

Assuming you have your list narrowed down to two churches, devote a month to one church, then devote the next month to the other. And I do mean DEVOTE. Give yourself to everything you think you might be interested in as a member (Acts 2:42). Most churches welcome visitors to join with all their worship, prayer, fellowship and service groups. Join the choir, attend Sunday school, bible study, a committee meeting, youth group, a fellowship dinner, a council meeting, small group, prayer meeting, a work day, a service project, personal evangelism, or anything else you think you might enjoy doing. Get to know the people and how they do things. Prayerfully reflect on each experience and ask God to make the decision clear to you.

At my ‘finalist’ church, I sang in the choir over Christmas, joined a Sunday school class and attended Men’s bible study. I also invited the Senior Pastor out for coffee one evening to talk about my search and ask questions about my situation and the church. These were means toward the end of getting a good ‘feeling’ for the church and her people, not just an analytical examination of the strengths and weaknesses of the programs and ministry. One of the things the pastor told me was that relationships matter greatly. I don’t think I had given them as much weight as they deserved prior to that meeting.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Pray, pray, pray and pray some more (Eph. 6:18, Phil. 4:6). This cannot be stressed enough if you are struggling with any decision. It is especially true when choosing a new church for you and your family. Spend time also reading God’s word. Read Acts to learn about things the early church was doing. Read the Timothy 1 & 2 and Titus to learn about what biblical leadership should look like.

Pray also with your spouse and your children. Spend time reading portions of Acts together. Talk to your Christian friends about your decision and ask them to pray for you and your future church. Seek the wise counsel of a trusted elder friend (Prov. 28:26, 13:20) who has gone through what you’re going through. Pray some more. Meditate on God’s word. Repeat. Often.

Pull the Trigger

Remember the shock of not going to your old church the first Sunday after you left? You were comfortable there; it was like second nature to drive there and find your seat on the same side every week. Eventually the shock wore off and you got used to being a ‘drifter.’ If you’re like me, you probably skipped a few Sunday gatherings altogether. But you got used to being uncomfortable.

Strange thing, this: You can get very comfortable being uncomfortable; so much so that it becomes uncomfortable to think about getting comfortable again. Don’t let it happen! Make a commitment! Drop the hammer on that nail and drive it home!

You’re never going to have all the information you need. You’ll never know all the people you should know well enough. There is going to be something that you missed. In the end, you need to trust that God has led you to the place where He wants you to be. (Prov. 3:5)

Don’t worry! (Matt. 6:34) God knows what He’s doing!

Make an informed, educated choice and stick with it. Throw in your lot with the people you feel drawn to intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to them and let them commit to you. Enter a relationship with God’s people, do your best to love them and keep praying for the best. (John 13:34-5)

Next: Finishing Up and Starting Over

Now the work really begins, and not just because you can’t wear your pajamas anymore. (Actually, I’ve visited some churches where pajamas would be fine!) You’ve got to get yourself and your family all dressed and ready to do something really difficult and unpleasant: walk into a strange church where you (probably) don’t know a soul.

Attend the prospective church on a typical Sunday morning. Don’t go for the first time on Easter, Christmas, special events, etc. You want to see a ‘typical’ service if possible. If you happen to go to a church for the first time and there is a guest preacher, special event or other non-typical event, plan to go again the following week.  Do not judge any church on only a single Sunday’s attendance. A good rule of thumb is that you’re not qualified to evaluate a church until you’ve attended at least three times.

The exception to the ‘three visits’ rule is if you find something biblically amiss the first time;  like a woman pastor or a Joel Osteen video in a bible study class. There’s really no reason to go back unless it is to advise them to revise their website to reflect reality.

Playing Games

I don’t recommend that everyone do this, but there are some subtle tests you can perform to help evaluate certain aspects of the church during your visit. Perhaps ‘running a play’ would be a more accurate description than playing games.

All the lonely people; where do they all belong?

At two different evangelical megachurches, I stood along the wall of the narthex/commons area all by myself and just kind of looked around. I met people’s eyes whenever possible as they were walking by and nodded or smiled at them. I did this three to five minutes prior to or just after the service. Not a single person stopped to talk to me in either place. The preaching was very good at both churches; the music was acceptable but not great at one, and downright irritating at the other, but this was a deal breaker for me.

I was fishing for a greeting, trying to look as lost and vulnerable as I could, but didn’t succeed in catching anyone. People doing what I was doing should get noticed, and someone (anyone!) should stop and say hello at the very least. (Romans 12:13)

When I ran this play at Parkside Church in Bainbridge, Ohio, a man named Douglas came up to me almost immediately and started a conversation. It was mostly small talk, but it was enough to make me feel welcome and when we parted ways he said he hoped to see me again. Eight months later I still remember his name, so he obviously made an impression. I really, really like Parkside church; unfortunately, it is about a 45 minute drive from my home.

“Hi. My name is Dave Miller, this is my (first, second, third) time here. How long have you been attending?” That’s my standard opening line when visiting a church. Usually, rather than waiting to be approached, I find a man about my age, walk up, put out my hand and ask the question; then I shut up and listen.  There are also a few standard follow-up questions that I’ve used depending on the situation.

• Do you have family here too?
• Where did you go to church before?
• Would you say this is/was a pretty typical worship service?
• What do you like most about this church?
• Does the pastor have any tattoos or piercings?

I’ve never actually asked the last question of anyone, but include it just to make the point that there really isn’t anything that is too far out-of-bounds to ask when visiting a church. If there is anything you are concerned about or just want to know, ask!

Grading on the curve

When you get to your car after the service, write down the names of the people you met and a few short impressions of your experience. After you get home, go over your list of primary and secondary criteria and assign a letter or numerical grade to each if you can. Write down your general impression of the church in more detail and include the input of your family as well. After visiting three churches, each more than once, you can start ranking them.

Remember, there is no perfect church. Don’t be disappointed when you don’t find a church that receives a perfect 10 rating. Part of being a Christian is compromising with fellow believers on non-essential issues (Romans 14:5). As long as the essentials are present (Preaching the whole counsel of God, sacraments are rightly observed, discipleship is practiced and encouraged) the rest is just a subjective decision.

If you made a personal connection with someone, you really hit it off and made fast friends, don’t discount that as unimportant. Personal connections with fellow believers are a big part of being in Christ. This is especially true for your children. If your kids have a connection, that should carry quite a bit of weight when it gets to making a choice.

When I got to the point where I had my list narrowed down to three candidates, I kind of knew in the back of my mind which was the right church for me. As I mentioned in a previous post I’m searching by myself, so if you are searching with your family, (Praise God if you are!) be sure to take their opinions into account too.

Next up: Narrowing down – Part 7.

The devotional told the story of a pastor who gave a group of children one Lego block each, and then asked them to add each of their blocks to his block and build a “Lego church.” His intention was to demonstrate that each of them was a part of the church. The pastor said that some tried to build something resembling a house, but many pieces were sticking out “on a limb.” Since there were so many different kids with different ideas, the construct looked like “nothing you have ever seen before.”

The pastor summed up this object lesson with the following:

The real church is like that. Each of us brings our piece to add to the whole and even if someone suggests we add it in a certain place, we have our own ideas and place it where we will. It seems like a mess! But then we are reminded that this is not our church [but] Christ’s church and he builds it as he wills it.

God does receive us in the shape we are in and fits us into his church, but the fact of the matter is that we just don’t fit very well; nor should we. We come to God’s church in a worldly form. He meets us where we are, like the woman caught in adultery and like Zacchaeus in the tree, but he doesn’t leave us in the shape we were in when we met Him. The woman caught in adultery was told to go and sin no more (John 8:10-11) and Zacchaeus repented and promised to repay his victims four times over (Luke 19:8).

Likewise, if we remain in the worldly shape that we were in when we come, the church we form will be worldly as well. That’s what the devotional writer got wrong. God’s church doesn’t have parts sticking out in random directions that serve no purpose and we aren’t the ones who form God’s church in the first place! No, Christ reshapes us into the kind of block that He needs for His good purposes. (Matthew 16:18) Look at the quote above again. In one sentence the writer says, “…we have our own ideas and place it where we will.” And two sentences later, he says that Christ “builds it as he wills it.”

Which is it, Mr. Devo Writer?

Are we building it or is Jesus?

In ancient times, the Tabernacle was constructed to very exacting specifications. It wasn’t a random conglomeration of whatever rocks and branches the carpenters found lying around. God spoke to Moses about the materials, the processes, the sizes, the adornment, and the order of all of the parts of the temple, including the priests themselves! (Exodus 26:1-27:21) He ordained who would do the work of the Lord within the temple; and how and when they would do it in order to please Him (Exodus 28:1-31:18). The devotional writer is saying the exact opposite – that we come as we are, we decide how we are going to be, what we are going to do and we make something pleasing to God all by ourselves.

Nothing could be less biblical.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. – C. S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

Even More Linkin!

Linking to noteworthy articles from other blogs and websites.

As everything, He became nothing so that you, as nothing, could have everything. You bring nothing to the table except the unrighteousness that makes Christ’s righteousness necessary.

If Jesus is to remain “the reason for the season,” then churches must be the place continually pointing to Him, especially in our preaching. We must take caution that our Christmas programs, which many times are designed to draw unbelievers, are not so secularized that we obscure the message we are trying to convey.

1. Define yourself by Jesus
2. Speak of the Catholic Church with courtesy
3. Explain biblical concepts and terminology
- – And More – -

Then she said, “Jesus died for me. I love my Jesus.” Sometimes I don’t know what “joy inexpressible and filled with glory” means, but at that moment I did. I had no words. So I just squeezed her hand gently and smiled at her through tears and sat there. That’s what you do in the presence of greatness.

Don’t be surprised if people look at you and say hurtful things like “she is really great with child.” Even more irritating will be the future idea that little Baby “no crying did make” when you know that he is fully human.

Advent: noun [ad’-vent]

1. The period beginning four Sundays before Christmas, observed in commemoration of the coming of Christ into the world.
2. Arrival or coming.

Advent is a time of preparation in the Christian liturgical calendar observed by many Christians. It is traditional, not biblical; but it is not sinful either, as long as all the foofaraw doesn’t obstruct the good news of Christ.

The Distraction

Christmas trees and wreaths, mistletoe and silver bells, candy canes and presents, Santa Claus and Rudolph; even many Christmas carols can distract us from the advent of Christ. Saying Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays isn’t even the point, nor is erecting a nativity scene in the town square. Buying gifts, gathering with family or friends, and taking time off from school also have nearly nothing to do with the coming of Christ.

The Danger

Don’t get all wrapped up in the traditionalism, sentimentality and emotionalism of Christmastime. Most Christmas traditions celebrated in America aren’t biblical anyway. Retelling a mythologized version of Jesus’ birth complete with an innkeeper, a stable full of animals and three kings (none of which are mentioned in scripture) conceals the truth of the historical birth.

The Dilemma

Even if we can get past the distractions and the dangers of Advent, we still have a dilemma: Why are we going through all these preparations for something that has already happened? Is it just a commemoration, or is it something more? Maybe we can take a clue from the words of some biblical Christmas carols.

Joy to the world the Lord is come, let Earth receive her king;

Let every heart prepare him room, and heaven and nature sing.

Sing choirs of angels, sing in exultation, sing all ye citizens of heaven above;

Glory to God, all glory in the highest; O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus; born to set Thy people free;

From our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in Thee.

Israel’s Strength and Consolation, hope of all the earth Thou art;

Dear Desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.

The Declaration

I submit to you that these lyrics are not solely about the first advent of Christ, but equally about the second. Keep in mind that Jesus promised to come again and call his church home to Himself (John 14:3). Go ahead and re-read the words to the songs above with this second, future advent in mind.

Really. Go back and re-read them. I’ll wait.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As this season of advent (Christ’s imminent arrival) progresses, let us press onward and remember His first coming in lowly circumstance and poverty, but don’t falsely romanticize it! The incarnation was at once, the most selfless act of condescension ever performed and also the most valuable gift ever given by our sovereign God. Christ’s second coming will not be so quiet.

Are you ready to sing with the joy of angels that Christ has returned?

Are you ready for the advent of Christ, today?

Jesus has gone to prepare a place for you. Are you preparing a place for Him?

“We are a resurrection people living in a perpetual Advent.”  – David Ridenhour

I live in an area of Ohio where there are more than 100 churches within a 20 minute drive. I was able to narrow down my list of potential new church homes to about a dozen while sitting at my computer.

The first thing I did was eliminate every church that has “UNI” in its name (Thanks, Todd Friel). United Church of Christ, Unitarian Universalist (double-whammy!) and Unity Church are not worth wasting your time considering because they either tolerate/allow sinful teaching and behaviors or even celebrate them. This is also true to a lesser degree with Evangelical Lutheran, Episcopal and some Presbyterian (PCUSA) churches as well. Elimination of these falls under the heading of “Lack of Biblical Church Discipline.” (See 1 Cor 5:1ff for more information.)

Write down what you believe and why. Be sure to cite scriptural reasons for them if you can. This is not a “preferences” list; it is a list of biblical truths that cannot be compromised. Keep secondary issues out of it for now.

Here is my list (Note the words, is and must):

• One God, three persons, all are God, holy and set apart (Deut 6:4, Matthew 28:19 Isaiah 6:3)
• Man is sinful by nature and separated from God since Adam’s fall (Rom 3:23, 1 Cor 15:22)
• The person and work of Jesus is the focus of the church and the ONLY WAY to reconciliation with God for those he elects (1 Cor 1:2, John 14:6, Acts 4:12, Eph 1:4-5 )
• Jesus lived a sinless life, died an atoning death on the cross, rose from the dead and went to the Father. He’ll be back to collect His church someday (2 Cor 5:21, Acts 2:32-36, 1 Thes 4:17)
• The Bible is God’s word, infallible and inerrant (2 Tim 3:16, John 17:17)
• The church is to preach the whole counsel of God, observe His sacraments (both of them) and foster discipleship (Mat 28:20, Rom 10:17, Luke 22:19, Mat 28:19, 2 Tim 3:16-17, Mat 18:15-17, 1 Cor 5:1-13, Eph 4:11-32 Phil 2:1-18.)
• There must be gospel and monetary outreach to the lost, poor, sick, lonely, hungry, etc. (Mat 25:35-40, 28:19-20, Acts 4:34)

Your list might be a little different from mine, but the basics of Christianity are always the same. This list will be most helpful to eliminate churches from consideration. If they don’t meet these criteria, there’s no reason to even attend a Sunday meeting. A prospective church’s stance on these issues can usually be easily determined with a visit to their website, or with a phone call.

Usually, churches that are affiliated with a particular denomination will say so or provide a link to their parent church on their website. Some do not, though, and it takes some sleuthing to find out if a Presbyterian church is PCA or PCUSA. (Hint: There’s a BIG difference.) Most non-denominational churches spell out what they believe in detail on their websites.

• Preaching should be expositional, verse by verse teaching more often than topical
• Prayer should be a big part of worship, not just reciting the Lord’s Prayer
• Music should be God-honoring, not man-centered. Hymns sung from hymnals are preferred to projected lyrics so I can figure out the tune
• Pianos and organs = good. Drum sets and electric guitars = not so good *
• Bible reading should be a part of worship, (and not just one or two verses)
• Creeds (ie. Apostles, Nicene) should often be a part of worship
• There should be lots of young families and old people. A good mixture of all ages
• There should be plenty of opportunities for Christian growth for the whole family (ie. Bible study, Sunday school)
• There should be plenty of opportunities for fellowship for the whole family

This will help you narrow down your list of prospective churches prior to visiting. Depending on your relationship with your current pastor, you might share these lists with him and ask for a recommendation for a new church for you. This could also be presented to a trusted friend or mentor who knows and understands your reasons for leaving.

The Gospel Coalition Church Directory

Do not pick a church just because it is the only one that offers the kind of music you like. Remember, music in a church service is an offering to God, not entertainment for your enjoyment.

Next up: Visiting is the hardest part – Part 6.