Visiting – It’s hard work being a good guest

This is part six. Here are parts one, two, three, four and five.

Now the work really begins, and not just because you can’t wear your pajamas anymore. (Actually, I’ve visited some churches where pajamas would be fine!) You’ve got to get yourself and your family all dressed and ready to do something really difficult and unpleasant: walk into a strange church where you (probably) don’t know a soul.

Attend the prospective church on a typical Sunday morning. Don’t go for the first time on Easter, Christmas, special events, etc. You want to see a ‘typical’ service if possible. If you happen to go to a church for the first time and there is a guest preacher, special event or other non-typical event, plan to go again the following week.  Do not judge any church on only a single Sunday’s attendance. A good rule of thumb is that you’re not qualified to evaluate a church until you’ve attended at least three times.

The exception to the ‘three visits’ rule is if you find something biblically amiss the first time;  like a woman pastor or a Joel Osteen video in a bible study class. There’s really no reason to go back unless it is to advise them to revise their website to reflect reality.

Playing Games

I don’t recommend that everyone do this, but there are some subtle tests you can perform to help evaluate certain aspects of the church during your visit. Perhaps ‘running a play’ would be a more accurate description than playing games.

All the lonely people; where do they all belong?

At two different evangelical megachurches, I stood along the wall of the narthex/commons area all by myself and just kind of looked around. I met people’s eyes whenever possible as they were walking by and nodded or smiled at them. I did this three to five minutes prior to or just after the service. Not a single person stopped to talk to me in either place. The preaching was very good at both churches; the music was acceptable but not great at one, and downright irritating at the other, but this was a deal breaker for me.

I was fishing for a greeting, trying to look as lost and vulnerable as I could, but didn’t succeed in catching anyone. People doing what I was doing should get noticed, and someone (anyone!) should stop and say hello at the very least. (Romans 12:13)

When I ran this play at Parkside Church in Bainbridge, Ohio, a man named Douglas came up to me almost immediately and started a conversation. It was mostly small talk, but it was enough to make me feel welcome and when we parted ways he said he hoped to see me again. Eight months later I still remember his name, so he obviously made an impression. I really, really like Parkside church; unfortunately, it is about a 45 minute drive from my home.

“Hi. My name is Dave Miller, this is my (first, second, third) time here. How long have you been attending?” That’s my standard opening line when visiting a church. Usually, rather than waiting to be approached, I find a man about my age, walk up, put out my hand and ask the question; then I shut up and listen.  There are also a few standard follow-up questions that I’ve used depending on the situation.

• Do you have family here too?
• Where did you go to church before?
• Would you say this is/was a pretty typical worship service?
• What do you like most about this church?
• Does the pastor have any tattoos or piercings?

I’ve never actually asked the last question of anyone, but include it just to make the point that there really isn’t anything that is too far out-of-bounds to ask when visiting a church. If there is anything you are concerned about or just want to know, ask!

Grading on the curve

When you get to your car after the service, write down the names of the people you met and a few short impressions of your experience. After you get home, go over your list of primary and secondary criteria and assign a letter or numerical grade to each if you can. Write down your general impression of the church in more detail and include the input of your family as well. After visiting three churches, each more than once, you can start ranking them.

Remember, there is no perfect church. Don’t be disappointed when you don’t find a church that receives a perfect 10 rating. Part of being a Christian is compromising with fellow believers on non-essential issues (Romans 14:5). As long as the essentials are present (Preaching the whole counsel of God, sacraments are rightly observed, discipleship is practiced and encouraged) the rest is just a subjective decision.

If you made a personal connection with someone, you really hit it off and made fast friends, don’t discount that as unimportant. Personal connections with fellow believers are a big part of being in Christ. This is especially true for your children. If your kids have a connection, that should carry quite a bit of weight when it gets to making a choice.

When I got to the point where I had my list narrowed down to three candidates, I kind of knew in the back of my mind which was the right church for me. As I mentioned in a previous post I’m searching by myself, so if you are searching with your family, (Praise God if you are!) be sure to take their opinions into account too.

Next up: Narrowing down – Part 7.